In between

Why is it that people come into your life only to leave you hanging....

Is it insecurity....a lack of confidence...do they think you might interpret it to mean something that it doesn't if they stay....

Are they just too busy?

I have a friend....maybe, once or twice a year we come into each other's life.....the conversation is great, we go back and forth sharing ideas, opinions, beliefs.....then bam! Nothing again for another few months.

I use to have a best friend....we did everything together. We were like sisters, really.....but I was the one who always had to initiate things.....if I didn't call, we could go for weeks without speaking. I quit calling, and we haven't seen each other since.

Does it make people feel vulnerable to stick around? Is it fear that keeps them away.....fear of commitment to a time consuming friendship? The messes, the worries..do they make us afraid and confused...do we want to quit, or rewind or start fresh...

Sometimes, we don't stick with things long enough to see how they all fit together....is there some lesson to be learned that we can only learn from them? Do we need them, or do they need us?

Life is full of introductions and goodbyes. It's the people that fall in-between that perplex me....the ones that are the first to say after an absence of several months...."it feels like we've never been apart...."well we have been apart, and who knows how much richer our life could have been if we'd stayed close.

So how do we do this?

John Lennon said, “Life is what happens when we are making other plans.”

I guess we miss out on a lot in life. That’s the cost. We miss out on the gorgeous, textured beauty of a life filled with friends.... stains and all.

Sure it takes time and committment and lots of energy on this side but what if we miss the possibility of a gorgeous, deep, rich filled life on the other side.

Maybe we need to spend more time on the in-between.

Leaving Home

Where ever life takes us...we seldom get too far from home

How we felt as children never leaves us. How we are thought of us children is hard to escape.

You could be 60 and as long as you were the baby of the family, you're still the baby.You could be an accomplished career person and still be haunted by not finishing that college degree.You could have a beautiful home, family and career and still feel that it wasn't enough. Where do those feelings come from? Home.

A friend recently made the comment that we author at a pretty early age, the path we are going to travel, and although there is room for some changes, we are pretty insistent on seeing things through to the end

If that's true....and I believe it is, then our life for the most part is carved and shaped by our earliest experiences.

What ever achievements or destructions we have accomplished, were first created in those moments when we consciously or not, decided who we were.

The compliant one, or the disobedient, the shy inward child, or the adventurous outgoing one, the loving daughter, or the defient self-serving son, the forgiver or the grudge keeper, the peace maker or the trouble maker....

Once decided, we then attract to our lives, those individuals who will help us sanction that image... good or bad.

Maybe, there will be moments of enlightenment....where we recognize that we are not limited by those initial interactions. That we are greater than the sum of those events that tend to mold us into the people we become....

But, I think that's rare....our continued interaction with those who helped to form our attitude and belief system further substantiates that we are who they say we are...without the help of a great mentor, most of us are destined to live our lives as dictated by our preadolescent experiences and those whose myopic vision will not let us evolve past invisible boundaries.

Often the most difficult challenge we have as adults is overcoming those lessons ingrained at an impressionable age when we were not equiped to take care of ourselves...when we in fact should have been taken care of by others.

Those feelings of abandonment, inferiority, insecurity, shyness, rejection....attitudes which hinder our lives and often lead to destructive behaviors....

We are forever altered by these early moments where we responded to situations that now impact the way others view us, and more importantly, how we view ourselves.

But we are not destined to that outcome.. The one thing we can count on in this life is change....so why not use it....remove ourselves from the trenches of old belief and thought patterns?

Find the power to change .... Seek the mentor, the book, the inner voice that believes in you.

It takes courage, effort, and committment to write a new story...an authentic one based on the person you have become.

Only you know who that is....maybe it's time you told someone...

love? Is it out there for me? who knows.....

Marriage and love is in the air. But why does it seem to come to me in every direction with everyone asking for advice but not hit me directly? I heard a song and its me, it talks about the girl wanting a big house and car and nice things but all she really wants is a man with a big heart to love her like nobody else does. I know Im young and I have my whole life ahead of me, but I really just want to find that one person I click with, doesnt even have to be love or anything yet, i just want someone that will be there to hug me when i feel bad or kiss my tears away when im sad. I want the happiness that i see with friends and soon to be husbands or the excitement of newlyweds... I really just want that person that i know deep down, He's the one! But i hate that everyone seems to come to me about love advice, i mean i love to help them, but it hurts that i cant have the same problems. I mean my problem is that im too scared to really love anyone again so scared that i throw myself into school and work and no one has been brave enough to see that it is a front and push themselves into the wall i have built to see that i really want to be loved!!!!! For now i will continue to surpress it and launch myself into another round of workaholic hours and non stop studying to get the grades that really dont matter in the end, but my diplomas will love me and i guess thats the love that i will get.

So just kiss me and let my hair messy itself in your fingers. Let me steady myself in the arms of a boy who won't ask me to be what he needs, but let's me exist as I am

So we locked ourselves in your car. Got lost in each other's eyes. We sang to the radio. He whispered in her ear & she'd laugh at his silly jokes, even if they were pointless. He grabs her hand & did not let go. He had no idea how happy it made her. She'd rest her head on his shoulder, close her eyes, listen to their song while he kissed her forehead. She memorized the touch of his lips. She didn't want to leave anytime soon. & he'd given her his jacket when she told him she was cold. It would be 3 in the morning, but they'd still be holding on to each other. She knew he was something special. It was different how he moved her because when he told her 'goodnight', to her it still felt like 'hello'.

"Someone is meant to be yours..... Your best friend. Your soulmate. The one you can tell your dreams to. He'll smile at you when you tell him, but he'll never laugh at your heart. He'll brush the hair out of your eyes & send you flowers when you least expect it. He'll call you to tell you goodnight before you get into bed or just because he's thinking about you. He'll be bursting to talk to you each morning, just to hear the sound of your voice. He'll look into your eyes & tell your are the most beautiful girl he's ever seen & for the first time in your life, you'll believe it."

The only thing better than the kiss itself is the moment right before it... When the look in his eyes could leave you breathless.

I look at you & think this is the way it's supposed to be. This is what I've been waiting for. This is such a blessing. You're such a blessing!

When he holds me close & I can hear his heartbeat & kiss his lips, I realize, this is where I want to be & this is how I want to feel.

I want to be the smile, the first thought, the long drive, or the short walk, the last voice, the random call, the laugh, the perfect kiss, the comfort hug, your second half, the sparkle in your eye, the everything you need, just what you want, I want to be your perfection.

..When you hug someone so tight you can harly breathe, it's just your two hearts trying to touch !

gift to build a church... not for me

ANOTHER COMMENT FROM SAME PERSON: "This was a great response, and I Praise God that you answered in the manner that you did. Slow to anger... I think. as you may know trials come from every walk of life and it is not possible to survive without a nudge from God. This blog can be used as such an amazing source to reach souls for Christ... and since you say I have no right to post unless I drive though NM then I suppose I do, since I live in NM. I would also like for you to note that it is not by Good works that we shall enter the Kingdom of God, but through Faith. Faith is the most important thing. And developing it is Crucial. If God's will for your life were to pack your bags, forget your career that you studied for and leave to pioneer a church w/ your husband (if and when married)... would you be willing to leave everything behind and just go??? Again these are merely challenges that have been placed in my heart to ask you. It is great that people see the love of God shine through you... and hopefully you pray daily and dedicate your first hours to him... like it says in the Bible.. "Early I will seek you!" Well I need to go to bed so that I can wake up early to go to church.. But God bless and Strengthen you.. and give you knowledge through his word."


WOW!!!!


If my gift were to start a church and i was actually called to do it, then of course id be on that path to making that church happen... however, that is not one of my gifts.... god has called me to help witness to people that will be hurtung through occupational therapy (the major im in) but i thank you for being concerned enough to question me again though....

however, this blog is inactive and will not be used again after this bout of posts has finished... i keep the blog "active" (where im not deleting it) to remind me of things that i have been going through at this particular stage in life.... Thank you again though and enjoy church tomorrow